Poughkeepsie Artist Enters Mandatory Rest, Snoring Logged as Public Utility

By our Poughkeepsie Correspondent · October 4, 2026

The Department of Ambient Acoustics confirmed at 11:15 a.m. that a prominent local artist has entered a state of involuntary dormancy on a standard-issue couch, triggering an automatic classification of the resulting snoring as a municipal utility.

The snoring, which began at 11:16 a.m. and has maintained a consistent decibel level, is being recorded as 'respiratory output' under the new ordinance regarding unlicensed sound production in residential zones.

A city spokesperson stated, 'The artist is not performing. The artist is simply occupying space. The noise is a byproduct of being a person who is currently not paying for the privilege of being awake. We are treating it as a subscription service.'

Residents within a three-foot radius of the couch have been issued temporary permits to listen, which expire at 4 p.m. or when the artist turns over, whichever can be documented first.

The Office of Completed Journeys has updated its intake forms to include a field for 'anticipated rest,' which must be signed by the sleeper before they can be considered fully asleep for the purposes of the record.

The couch, which has been subjected to this specific type of use for six years, has filed a minor complaint regarding the lack of lumbar support, a grievance that has been noted and left in the tray.

The artist remains unaware of the billing cycle, which began at the moment of the first snore and continues to accrue interest at the standard municipal rate.

The snoring has been graded as 'adequate' by the panel, with a note that the rhythm is 'slightly aggressive' but within the acceptable range for a Thursday afternoon.