Truthfull News

You want the news — we're full of it.

Culture Desk

World Series Cities Open Grief Verification Desks for Longtime Fans

Residents seeking priority celebration access must document that they were unhappy before the team became good.

MILWAUKEE — Officials in the two cities seeking a first World Series championship have opened grief verification desks, asking longtime baseball supporters to establish the extent of their previous disappointment before receiving priority access to any celebration that may subsequently become necessary to organize.

Applicants must submit one faded cap and evidence of at least three seasons when they continued following the standings after doing so had ceased to offer practical benefit. Acceptable documentation includes unused postseason parking reservations, dated complaints and a household member willing to confirm the television stayed on.

"We are trying to distinguish sustained attachment from a recent interest in being near confetti," a municipal celebrations official said. "Nobody is being excluded from happiness. We are simply ensuring that happiness reaches those with the longest established claim to its absence in an orderly fashion."

The department uses a standard conversion table to reconcile different forms of suffering. One lost elimination game equals four ordinary September collapses. A promising prospect traded away before contributing qualifies for partial credit, provided the applicant can identify the return without consulting a search engine.

Supporters inheriting a parent's allegiance may transfer unused disappointment through a notarized family affidavit. Couples supporting opposite teams must file separately, although shared living expenses can establish exposure to the other applicant's radio broadcasts. Children receive provisional status until they have experienced one avoidable bullpen decision.

A review panel will hear appeals from residents whose teams became briefly competitive during the period claimed. Officials said a winning season need not invalidate an application if the applicant can demonstrate that it produced a more specific and subsequently justified form of apprehension instead.

Verified supporters will receive a paper wristband indicating their approved number of years. The bands are water resistant and available in three sizes. Collection is from the south entrance between 8 a.m. and noon, with a separate envelope provided for applicants collecting on another person's behalf.